Feeling Legitimate...

Legitimate is defined as conforming to the law or to rules. Starting the new year, I have been in a situation where I questioned my legitimacy as a human being. In modern terms, I would've been refered to as a side piece. My biggest difficulty was trying to find my place and establish a realtionship with this person. Although they were in a committed relationship with someone else, I was still manipulated into thinking that something would spark between me and this person. I didn't really understand why I was allowing myself to continue to be used, but I think I've come to a pretty clear conclusion. In my life, I have dealt with issues of self-confidence and self-worth. Most people who meet me today wouldn't even think that confidence was something that I struggled with, but it definitely was, and I still have little spats of it today. Needless to say, my confidence has grown in most areas of my life. However, when it comes to being in a relationship, I've never had confidence in that. I have struggled with allowing myself to be loved by someone else. I used to think (and sometimes still do) that no one could love me at my current state, that I would always have to change something about myself to please someone. Whether it was my weight, my personality or even something stupid like my taste in music.

I understand it when people say that I'm still young and that I have my entire life to find someone, however in the interim it still feels nice to just have someone. With the turn of the new year, I really started to realize that I truly wasn't happy with my current reality, so I decided to change it. I started to get angry at myself because I truly know better. I've seen too much of the same situation to allow it to happen to me, but in my state of lonliness and yearn to be wanted by someone else, it happened. I realize now that I'd much rather be by myself than be in an almost abusive situation. In every situation, regardless of it's good or bad, I want to make sure I grow from it, and I have definitely grown from this situation. I was gaining absolutely nothing from this situation. In no way was it helping me grow, and to really understand that I had to seek God and the help of my friends. I hope that I can use my voice and let someone else know that even though you may not be physically abused, being in a relationship where you aren't mutually exclusive with your mate is emotionally abusive. I was only in my situation for a month before finding my way of escape, however some people stay in relationships like this for their entire lives, and it does nothing but hurt you in the long run.

Now that this situation is behind me, I will definitely be defining what I want out of a relationship early before I start looking for one, because that's how I know that I am not settling for just anything or anyone because of how I feel. I want to be with someone who legitimately cares about me, for me. And even if that person doesn't come around for another 5 or 10 years, I can take everything day by day to make sure that I'm best for when they do come into my life!

I know 2016 is going to be a great year, I'm just ready to see where I'm going to go, and what I'm going to do in this new year! I hope you'll stay on this journey with me, because I'm definitely going to be letting you in a little more this year!

 post signature